We have made our greatest contribution to the continuity of our people by having and raising a Jewish child or children. That is not altered is they choose marry a person who is not Jewish. Short of having the kind of power that no parent ought to aspire to, it is beyond our power to forbid or prevent our children’s intermarriage; or to insist on the conversion of a non-Jewish fiance; or to require that they arrange for a Jewish wedding ceremony; or to eventually raise their children as Jews. About forty percent of Reform and Reconstructionist rabbis do officiate at wedding ceremonies between a Jewish and non-Jewish person.

What we Jewish parents can accomplish for the Jewish future of our children and grandchildren lies beyond the realms of control, insistence or manipulation. Rather, it is in the realm of loving guidance, thoughtful example setting, and responsiveness to needs expressed by the young couple. In that broad framework there is nothing we cannot discuss as mature adults with our equally mature adult children or grandchildren. In the final analysis, the young couple will make their own decisions about all the matters that are important to them.

It is important that they are aware you understand that. But to the extent that their decisions are important to us as well, we can and must discuss our concerns with them naturally, in a sensitive, respectful and mature manner. If they don’t already know, our own sons and daughters need to know, and often will want to know, which Jewish religious and cultural issues are important to us and why.

Certainly, they should not be expected to make important decisions about wedding plans or any other significant life choices without the benefit of parental guidance and opinion. Withholding guidance and opinions is no more mature or respectful than is the attempt to impose them by fiat or excessive control. Communication about even the most sensitive matters is far superior to guesswork, and sulking will only lead to hurt.

Efforts at guidance are generally most successful if parents and grandparents hold out their wisdom, knowledge, and experience as a resource for the young couple to use forging their own lives, rather than as standards the young are expected to live up to. The success of such efforts depends largely on our own communication skills as well as upon those of our children and in-laws. They are adults old enough to marry, independent enough to have their own convictions, wise enough to know what is important to them and, hopefully, sensitive and loving enough to want to maintain warm family ties themselves.

Below are some of the issues that the young couple will likely want to deal with at different stages of their evolving life together.

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