From the very first moment you learn–or suspect–that your (adult) child plans to intermarry, you are likely to experience a variety of powerful feelings: feelings of personal failure or guilt ("Where did we go wrong?"), feelings of betrayal ("Why is s/he doing this to us?"), feelings of shame ("What will grandpa say?") and feelings of genuine alarm about your son or daughter’s marital future ("How are they going to be able to raise children? How will they overcome their own differences?"). Worse still, anxieties around these matters can, at times, trigger conflict even among the Jewish parents themselves with useless "if only" recriminations, i.e., "If only you had been a ‘better’ Jew all of this would not be happening now." Save yourselves the angst. Concentrate, instead, on all the wonderful things you can do to celebrate the continuity of your Jewish life with your intermarried children and grandchildren.

At times the feelings of anxiety about our children’s and grandchildren’s Jewish future can trigger argumentative conversations with our children or prospective in-laws that generate considerably more heat than light. Their volume and intensity can overshadow substance and meaning. We must be more than commonly cautious about our words, our deeds and even our body language. Your child and his or her non-Jewish fiance are going to be extremely sensitive to what you say, do, and how you act. The attitude of the non-Jewish fiance toward both your family and possibly toward the Jewish heritage itself may be forever colored by your initial reactions to the unfolding relationship.

For the sake of future relationships in the family, it is vital that we be accepting about our children’s choices, collaborative about their wedding plans and positive about their future. The magic word is "welcoming"–welcoming the new person into the family, and into the larger Jewish community.

At the time you first learn about the proposed marriage, it is generally way too soon to be discussing officiation by a rabbi, wedding plans (other than the date), conversion, or the religion of our grandchildren. But, you might start those discussions–sooner, rather than later–with your own son or daughter. Later, you may want to discuss these issues honestly with your child’s non-Jewish fiance. Eventually, you must also be welcoming toward the fiance’s family.

None of this is meant to suggest dishonesty with your child, or with his/her fiance, or that you bury your feelings or wishes. Nor does being welcoming toward intermarried children mean an abandonment of your basic feelings about Judaism and its values regarding the primacy of Jewish family life. Your own feelings about our heritage and traditions are as authentic and legitimate an object of concern as the young couple’s feelings for one another. You might also at a very early stage be presented with matters your children consider fait accompli that you would find very difficult, if not impossible, to accommodate (e.g. "We are going to be married on a Saturday morning by Nancy’s uncle, who is a priest"). Open discussion will be beneficial for all. But be careful of the words and inferences. Judge your son’s or daughter’s fiance as a person, not as a representative of a nationality, religion, political party, or any other group. (This is equally true, of course, if your son or daughter marries someone who is of Jewish origin and an American with the same national origins.) All of those Jewish mother jokes aside, there’s a real difference between saying, "Not many of our relatives will come to such a wedding," and suggesting that "the guest list requires some further thought."

There is a great difference between sharing your deepest feelings and concerns with your children and using your feelings as tools with which to try to shape their life plans. Honesty with yourself will be the best indicator of just what it is you are trying to do. Efforts to influence your child’s life with respect to his/her choice of spouse or other equally important life decisions are likely to backfire because they will be perceived as unacceptably manipulative. Try to avoid it.

If you want your child’s fiance to help in maintaining a Jewish home or to impart Jewish traditions to his/her children, you must avoid communications implying that the couple has done something wrong by marrying in the first place, or are making a mistake they will some day regret.

Some general comments about intermarriage that are often heard in Jewish circles are best avoided, even in the abstract. It is not helpful to make passing comments about intermarriage as "a shame," or "a sin," or "a shandah," or "the death-knell of the Jewish people." Referring to your child’s marriage as a "a plague," or "pernicious" or any other pejorative noun or adjective you might muster, can only serve to hurt and alienate. In most cases, our own son or daughter’s intermarriage is not a rejection of us, our faith, or our community. Our young people are not marrying their particular beloved to punish us, nor is there cause for guilt feelings by anyone. Therefore, the words we use to discuss their relationship should be positive and respectful of the momentous significance of their choice of each other as marriage partners. Your (intended) son- or daughter-in-law is not likely to be an anti-Semite. After all, he or she has fallen in love with one of your children.

Words that stigmatize, like "goy," "momzer" or (depending on gender) "shikseh" or "shaygetz" are completely inappropriate, particularly as references to someone who is likely to be a parent of your grandchildren. The couple and their marriage are not merely to be tolerated, or forgiven, or treated with condescension. Ours are wonderful young people who are embarking on life’s most wonderful and challenging new partnership venture. They need and deserve your support and good wishes. With that support and those good wishes, at the very least there will be one more American Christian family with a more favorable view of Jews, Judaism, and Israel; and at the very best, there may be a newly Jewish family member and new Jewish grandchildren.

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