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| hsterman | [ Profile - Edit Post - Poll ] | 4:36 am on 1.23.2006 |
i am 24 years old and have a wonderful boyfriend who is 5 years older than me. we've been together for awhile now and we can see ourselves being together for a long time. he is my other half. we share many common interests and values. he and i are so alike in so many ways, save one...i am Jewish (non-Orthodox), he is not. my boyfriend is a non-practicing Christian who hails from a very non-religious family. since we met, he has made the honorable decision to educate himself about Judaism and has even agreed to attend services with me once in awhile and meet with my Rabbi when necessary. he knows that Judaism is important to me and feels it is important to know about it so he can understand it better. not too long ago, i gave him a Chamsah necklace to remind him of not only my love for him, but also that G-d is watching out for him. he wears it all the time. he feels that G-d had some part in bringing us together. we really love each other and cannot imagine our lives without one another. his parents are so thrilled that we found each other and feel that their son's happiness is more important than anything else in this world. they do not see our religious differences as any barrier at all, and they are supportive of their son learning all he can about Judaism. my parents, on the other hand, are very upset and are begging me to break up with him and threatening me with ultimatums. we have had numerous arguments about this. they have expressed that they would be very uncomfortable if i ever marry this guy, or any non-Jew for that matter, even one that has the intention of converting or at the very least is supportive of holding a Jewish wedding and raising Jewish children. is he thinking of converting? i have no idea and neither does he. and it's not something i can ask of him, because for one he has never been religious, and secondly as both he and i know a conversion must come from a person's genuine desire to do so, not because their partner's disapproving parents are forcing it upon them or whatever the case may be. though he has said in the past that he wouldn't necessarily reject the possibility of converting. i have cried myself to sleep many a night because i fear losing my boyfriend and my father. i fear that my father will never speak to me again. i fear that he is more concerned about whether my partner is Jewish as opposed to whether my partner makes me happy. my dad has never even met my boyfriend and refuses to do so only because he's not Jewish, and not only that he doesn't even acknowledge his existence. i have been depressed for quite some time but lately it has been getting worse, to the point where i have honestly begun to think that maybe i should not even be alive anymore if my father can't understand the happiness this guy brings me and how he is so willing to make specific sacrifices for me in terms of religion. i just don't know what to do anymore.
ip: 68.174.139.247
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| administrator | [ Profile - Edit Post ] | 2:01 pm on 1.23.2006 |
Hello,
I have replied to this post privately to the hotmail address you provided when you signed up for this bulletin board. If you don't receive it and would like to read my reply to you, please be in touch with me at info@joi.org because I believe this is too personal to continue on a public bulletin board. Thanks,Paul Golin
Associate Executive Director
Jewish Outreach Institute
ip: 68.173.24.213
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| cholent | [ Profile - Edit Post ] | 6:54 pm on 2.10.2006 |
| I would to help you. first you say you are not orthodox but ur parents dont want you to marry out, what are they reform? second of all you are jewish and all jews are responsible for others so im here to help. First of all plz reply to my email address cholentpot@yahoo.com as this is a very personal issue and i feel it should be kept that way. second of all you know ur kids would be jewish as you are jewish. How do you feel about judaism and what does it mean in your life? listen i understand how this must be hurting as love is such a poewrful thing. plz contact me as soon as you get this and we can sit down and work something out. shabbat Shalom and just remember im here for you! ----------
The truth always prevails
ip: 209.2.60.76
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| hsterman | [ Profile - Edit Post ] | 10:31 pm on 2.17.2006 |
my boyfriend and i met with my Rabbi a few weeks ago. the Rabbi has known my family for nearly 20 years. he leads the congregation at the shul my parents attend, which as he pointed out to me, was no more than 4 times a year. although this Rabbi is Orthodox, he is very open and liberal and will listen to anyone who comes into his office. as i mentioned previously, my parents are not Orthodox, but my dad attends an Orthodox shul to honor his father's memory even though he gave up Orthodox practices many years ago. the Rabbi seemed to like my boyfriend and told him jokes to make him less nervous. my boyfriend told him that he really loves me and that he wouldn't have come all the way to see him if this situation was not important, and the fact that he was still willing to do so after 8 months together made that even more clear. during our meeting, the Rabbi said that religion is not always the make or break factor in a relationship/marriage. even if a couple shares the same religion, it does not always ensure that they are compatible in other ways. if there is no open communication, then the relationship is not meant to work. while same-faith couples don't have to worry about religious matters they have just as many issues as interfaith couples. i've dated Jewish and non-Jewish men, and religion has not been the reason for these breakups. incompatibility in personality and interests merged with constant criticism and lack of open communication have caused the splits. my boyfriend and i have plenty of open communication and we are in accordance on many topics in terms of what he is willing to do to show how he values my traditions. my boyfriend gave some background info on himself to the Rabbi and told him that his parents are open-minded people who raised their children to be the same. they do not judge someone based on race or religion, what matters to them is whether the person is good at heart and means well. they never forced religion onto their kids. they have also never made an issue of my being Jewish. they think it's wonderful and respect my beliefs and are glad that i am able to answer any questions they have on topics in Judaism. they think it's sad that my parents (esp. my dad) are so narrow-minded. they feel there is enough discrimination in the world and that it doesn't need anymore. as far as my parents, the Rabbi gave us 2 options: we either continue to live our lives as is and hope that my parents will one day accept us, or my boyfriend converts. now, being that my boyfriend did not grow up with religion, conversion doesn't sound like the obvious choice right now. but he hasn't completely rejected the idea either. but he and i and the Rabbi agreed that conversion should be one's own choice, not because a partner's parents disapprove or simply to have the label of being Jewish. now that my boyfriend and i have met the Rabbi, it's time for my parents and i to do the same thing. i'm terrified as to what will happen. oddly, my mom has agreed to meet my boyfriend, but only if my dad is there. getting him to do so will not be simple. any suggestions on how i can arrange a meeting that will incorporate a Jewish activity that everyone (boyfriend included) will feel comfortable participating in? and how can i bring this up to my folks without them flipping out?
ip: 166.77.6.4
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| administrator | [ Profile - Edit Post ] | 10:47 pm on 2.17.2006 |
| Hello, It's great to hear that your experience with the rabbi seems to have been a positive one for you and your boyfriend. It just proves that denominational labels don't automatically tell you whether or not a rabbi will be welcoming to interfaith couples. As for your question, you are clearly facing a very difficult task and I'm not sure there is a standard formula for success. But one thing that I found curious about your question: why does it have to be a Jewish activity when your parents meet your boyfriend for the first time? Why can't they just meet him over coffee or dinner? Or a secular holiday like 4th of July or Thanksgiving? That way, you are all on even footing. Just curious, and sorry for answering your question with a question --- a very Jewish thing to do! ;-) Yours,
Paul Golin
Associate Executive Director
Jewish Outreach Institute
ip: 70.19.25.16
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| hsterman | [ Profile - Edit Post ] | 11:45 pm on 2.17.2006 |
i considered the option of a Jewish activity because it may get my parents to be slightly more inclined to meeting him, as he's obviously interested in learning about Judaism and has yet to see some of the things he's read about up close. but as i said, it will take a LOT of convincing to get my dad to agree to meeting him, regardless of what type of atmosphere. i sometimes wonder if my dad is only religious when a non-Jewish man is in my life.
ip: 166.77.6.4
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| administrator | [ Profile - Edit Post ] | 12:00 am on 2.18.2006 |
| I see. My fear would be that it would actually work in reverse: that it would highlight for your dad that your boyfriend is not Jewish when everyone is, say, singing the blessings over the Hanukkah candles and your boyfriend isn't. Plus, it puts your boyfriend in "performance mode." Not only does he have to be his usual wonderful self under what is ALWAYS an awkward situation of "Meeting the Parents" (regardless of religious issues), but now he has to be his usual wonderful self PLUS the curious newcomer to Judaism with the earnest desire to learn. That's a lot of pressure to put on him. I'm sure your boyfriend will of course have a say in this, but if it was me, I'd find a way to have your parents meet him just as a human being first, and only later as a Jewishly-curious human being. I might also put some pressure on your mom to meet with you and your boyfriend without your father. If it's your father that's showing the most resistance, let him stay at home the first couple of times. Get your mom to see what it is you love so much about your boyfriend. Spouses have an incredible power to modify even the most entrenched views of their "better half." When your mom comes home from dinner and tells your dad what a perfectly lovely time she had, and how nice your boyfriend is, it might go a long way to soften your father's attitudes. But don't let me downplay how difficult this situation is. Deep down, only you will be able to know what the best route is for you and your family. Good luck with it, Paul
ip: 70.19.25.16
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| hsterman | [ Profile - Edit Post ] | 1:33 am on 2.20.2006 |
i've just about had it with my dad. he's now going as far as telling me that my mom has been crying sometimes because she is upset about my interfaith relationship. he tells me that that he is against what i'm doing and always has been. and if i ever marry this guy, i will have to face the consequences. i asked him if that meant he would stop speaking to me, but he insisted that was not the case. rather, he would still love me but our relationship would be strained and he would feel a lot of pain. he's telling me that i need to contribute to the survival of the Jewish people by meeting someone Jewish whom i can settle down with and thus make everyone in my family happy. i am not stupid, i know there is a dwindling population. but i attribute it to Jewish communities who treat unaffiliated and intermarried Jews with such horrible amounts of disregard. he tells me he would do anything for me to break up with my boyfriend and that is not what i want to hear. he tells me to go to Jewish singles events and matchmaking services, or to go out with my sister because she only goes places where the chances of meeting Jewish men are high. my dad thinks i have a bias against Jewish guys. that is false. but i have not had very many positive experiences in dating Jews. some have been incredibly judgmental of me for various reasons. i am tired of crying and screaming and breaking things. i feel so alone right now. the only people who care about me are my friends, my boyfriend, and his family. but his family lives in Ohio, so there isn't a whole lot they can do except comfort me over the phone. they are so upset that my parents are being biased and wish that we didn't have to go through all of this pain and suffering just because we are in love. my dad has agreed to meet with our Rabbi and with my therapist, but he insists that neither one of them will give me their blessing on this no matter what they have told me to try and comfort me in this difficult situation. he is convinced that no one will listen to me, because he thinks interdating and intermarriage are wrong, no matter how open the non-Jew is to learning about Jewish customs and wanting to be part of them. i am afraid of my dad and have been for quite some time. but now i am more afraid than ever. i just don't know what to do anymore.
ip: 68.174.139.247
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| administrator | [ Profile - Edit Post ] | 2:27 pm on 2.20.2006 |
I have been following this discussion and would like to jump in at this point. I cant say anything that will change what your parents feel. And I am sure that there are other things that complicate the relationship even further that understandably you dont want to share in public. I would be happy to meet with you and your boyfriend, if you are in the New York area. Sometimes it is better to talk through some of these things face to face. I also agree with Paul that a non-Jewish context would be less difficult for your boyfriend to first meet your parents. Perhaps you might want to consider also taking an Introduction to Judaism class together. This may help you both develop a common discourse and will send a positive message to your parents. While their response to you may be difficult for you to hear and obviously very painful, it is important for you to understand its source. Nevertheless the relationships with have as adults with others changes our relationships that we have with our parents irrespective of whether or not our parents approve of those relationships. It is important to keep that in mind, as well.
Rabbi Kerry Olitzky
Executive Director
Jewish Outreach Institute
ip: 67.85.210.161
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