|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
Feedback
| Discussion Posts |
| Margot | [ Profile - Edit Post - Poll ] | 7:33 pm on 5.13.2000 |
| Hi all. I'd be very interested in knowing your thoughts about the following situation. I come from a non-practising Jewish family. We never went to shul, did celebrate Jewish holidays in abbreviated form, and shared an intense sense of Jewish "cultural" identity (I hope that makes sense). As I grew older, I taught myself some ritual, began lighting shabbos candles etc., but never became "religious" - rather, I developed a sense of spirituality, but remain somewhat uncomfortable with synagogue-based observance (and the G-d in which I believe is not G-d of the OT, but more like the divine spirit discussed in Eastern religions - please, no flames here, I'm merely trying to be honest). However, it never occurred to me that I wouldn't marry someone Jewish. I have been blessed to find and love an extraordinary man and life partner, who was raised Catholic. He has not practised Catholicism since approximately age 13, and he never found it compelling or believable. When we first began dating, he assured me that he would convert, given that I felt far more strongly about the issue than he. However, after taking some classes and working with a Rabbi, he no longer feels that he can do that. Here is his reason: He is a manifestly non-religious person. Making a spiritual declaration about what he believes is, in many ways, untenable for him. He cannot imagine standing up and proclaiming that he accepts the tenets of the Jewish religion when, in fact, he is extremely uncomfortable with all organized religion, is quite clear that he does not believe in G-d, and does not consider himself to be in any way religious. He respects and accepts my desire to have a Jewish home and raise Jewish children, and in this sense, this is not a typical "interfaith" issue, unless the two faiths are Jewish and agnostic. He is not only supportive of raising Jewish children, but enthusiastic. He is willing to accompany me to shul on the High Holy days, but not at other times. He does observe shabbos, and leads the Kiddush etc. every Friday night. He is open and enthusiastic about all forms of home-based Jewish worship (but hates attending any kind of formal congragational activity). He celebrates no Christian holidays, and has made it clear to his parents that if anything, he considers himself quasi-Jewish. Our parents are all accepting and excited about our relationship, and there are no "family issues" with which to contend. Essentially, he is willing and happy to participate in all home-based Jewish activities, and to raise Jewish children, but he does not want to (and will not) participate in shul-based religious education. If that's what I want, he's more than happy to support me - he just doesn't want to participate. The reason I'm posting here is that I wonder if this type of arrangement is stable and tenable over time. I feel very comfortable with it, very peaceful, right now, but then I find myself wondering...is there something wrong with me that I am not more distressed or disturbed by this? Should I be insisting or demanding something? Will I find myself suddenly caring about this in ten years? Right now, I see spirituality as an intensely personal thing, and I don't feel that I have the right to dictate to him what he "should" or "must" believe. But should I be attempting to exercise more control over this aspect of our relationship? Right now, I feel as though - hey, if this is something I want to do with our kids, I should take responsibility for it - he's not undermining me in any way, and in fact he's quite supportive. But is it only possible to transmit a sense of Jewishness if both parents are committed to shul attendance etc.? One of the reasons I feel so in the dark about this is because my own family was so manifestly non-observant - I have no idea what it takes to sustain observance. Any thoughts will be most appreciated and respected,
Margot
ip: 165.124.28.25
|
| EBP2 | [ Profile - Edit Post ] | 1:35 am on 5.14.2000 |
You really want to know what I think? OK.
If this guy can't profess to upholding Jewish values, how can he raise his children under these values? Makes no sense.IN ten years and sooner you will care about this when you realize that 'spirituality' whatever you think that means is better expressed with involvement with community and synagogue because without this your life is very isolated. I'm sorry you think synagogue is an antispiritual experience. I think you need more experiences with better synagogues and communitites. Maybe you haven't missed this involvement so far, but when you get married and have kids, community becomes more important to you and there will be barriers if you marry this man. Some are obviously self made, others will be put up be the community and its members. Think about day school for instance, bar mitzvah, where are you going to live, etc... You're probably sorry you asked and I expect to get flamed (again) for this but you asked for personal opinions which I try to avoid for this very reason, so... but think about it anyway EBP
ip: 207.223.180.87
|
| Sarah | [ Profile - Edit Post ] | 3:28 pm on 5.14.2000 |
| Hi Margot, You sound to me like you have your head screwed on. You have obviously put thought and discussion into your relationship and its future. My husband said to remind you that your children will be Jewish, no matter what you do because you are Jewish. That's half your battle right there. I think you have a very viable chance of rasing your children with Jewish identity because of your description of your own childhood. It sounds as if your parents weren't big organized religion attendees, yet you definately identify yourself as Jewish. What did they do that kept you interested in Judiasm? As for your future husband, he has to be congratulated for not caving in to societal presssures. He sounds like he seriously considered conversion, looked into it, and then was man enough to say "no, this is not my life." Honesty under pressure speaks well for him. As for shul attendance. Who knows? In a week or a decade you may meet a couple whose lifestyle complements your own and you find their shul a wonderful place that fits your own religious needs. In other words, don't discount the possibility of never attending shul, just don't make your life decisions based on what some shul somewhere thinks. Make your own choices and then stand by them. There are a lot of us out here who have happy, healthy relationships with striking resemblences to what you describe. Best wishes in your future.
ip: 208.212.32.2
|
| Frank | [ Profile - Edit Post ] | 4:34 pm on 7.19.2000 |
Margot, I must agree with EBP2 on this one. In ten years your sense of spirtuality will more than likely change and you will want to be more involved with the Jewish community. This will be made much tougher by the non-involvement of your husband. It is tough to consider your life without the person that you think can be your soulmate but a husband and wife must be united on an issue like this (I speak from experience of not having a united family). Please talk to him again and see if there is a possibility that he will consider being a more active Jewish father. His feelings will also likely change when you have children. When the children arrive everything changes and he may even find that God does exist.
You should try to resolve your feeling before the kids arrive!!!Good luck
ip: 216.168.75.218
|
| End of posts - Reply To This Discussion - Start New Discussion - Admin / Moderator Options |
| Home / Family |
| It is 10:36 pm on 5.25.2013 - Your last visit was 10:36 pm on 5.25.2013 |
|
|
Powered by BigTalker BB v3.614
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
