Believe it or not, that's what a reporter for a mainstream Jewish newspaper
asked me last week! At first, I didn't understand.
She had e-mailed me: "What do you think of intermarriage?" I replied: "If
women want to marry men, it's perfectly okay with me!" But when the reporter
phoned to interview me, she said she meant "interfaith marriage."
Stupid, I'm not. Immediately, I knew this was about my partner, Diane Olson,
not being Jewish.
I threw out the first rapid response that came to me: We both believe in a
higher power. (I knew this wasn't good enough, but figured it would answer the
God question and, I hoped, avoid the "do you keep kosher?" question.) She
paused. Obviously, my answer wasn't good enough.
Do you have a mezuzah on your front door? she asked. "Of course we do!" I
didn't mention that a huge wooden gate surrounds our property, so no one can see
the mezuzah. Also, most people enter the house through my office, which does not
have a mezuzah on its door. But my "oy vey"ing every time I read a homophobic
rant that comes to me by e-mail can be heard throughout my neighborhood. This
should count for something.
She didn't ask me how often we go to synagogue, but I could feel it on the
tip of her tongue. So I quickly said: "Last week we attended services at Kol
Ami, the synagogue led by the rabbi who is going to marry us, Rabbi Denise
Eger." I raved about the service, the music, the cantor and Rabbi Eger, who had
been an opera singer. I went on and on about how Rabbi Eger had comforted me and
held my emotional and spiritual hand every time Diane and I were shunned by
members of our own community who were certain we were going to lose the same
sex-marriage lawsuit we had launched in California.
I went on for so long that the reporter forgot the "how often do you go to
synagogue?" question. Mission accomplished.
We had a lovely conversation after that. Yes, my partners' last name, Olson,
is definitely not a Jewish name, but neither is mine, Tyler. I changed my name
when I was in my teens so my mother wouldn't know I was performing on high
holidays. My real last name is Chernick, which my relatives who have started
reading this blog are going to be really happy I mentioned.
My brother Robert Chernick and his wife, Maureen, came to Los Angeles last
weekend and rode on a float in the Los Angeles Gay Pride Parade with me and
Diane. They dressed as California Supreme Court justices and held up our hands
in victory. Yes, we wore tuxedos, and they had signs saying "Supreme Court"
hanging around their necks.
Believe it or not, several gay people asked them for autographs. Right, the
California Supreme Court justices who ruled in our favor would definitely ride
in a gay parade sandwiched between drag queens and the leather contingent. (My
prim and proper British sister-in-law really took to Mr. Leather 2008 and had
quite a lengthy chat with him.)
Tomorrow, Diane and I go to see Rabbi Eger. I know she is not going to ask if
we are sure about doing it. To be honest, we have been doing 'it' for almost 15
years. But she is going to talk to us about how the service will go. Diane wants
a quiet, 'tasteful' Jewish wedding, even though it's going to be in front of the
Beverly Hills Courthouse, where we protested every year. I invited everyone we
met at the parade and if anyone shows up in feather or leather, it won't exactly
be the "tasteful" wedding she had hoped for.
But Robert and Maureen will be there, along with Diane's sister Debra Olson,
and Debra's grown daughters, Chrysta and Kaitlyn, some of our close friends and
probably one right-wing religious nut holding up a sign saying "Smile, Satan
Loves You."
Yes, the California Gold Rush is definitely on. According to Associated
Press, during the next three years half of the same-sex couples in California
will get married. (The other half will continue living in Sin, the biggest city
in California.) It's also estimated that another 68,000 out-of-state same-sex
couples will travel to California to exchange vows and $64 million will be
generated in taxes for the state as well as $9 million in license fees for the
counties. It's projected that gay and lesbian couples will spend $684 million on
hotels, flowers, cakes, photographers and a slew of wedding services over the
next few years. Needless to say, gay tourism will be rampant.
And nobody has even discussed the revenue Weight Watchers will receive from
the thousands of us who have said "to hell with our diets -- let's eat, drink
and celebrate" only to wake up months later and drag our asses, excuse me, much
larger asses, back to Weight Watchers. Calories don't discriminate.
If you do come to California to get married, it's very important that you
read an online article titled "Make Change,
Not Lawsuits" [PDF]
The press is constantly calling, asking us if we know of same-sex couples
from out of state who have made definite plans to come to California to get
married in the next month. We called our good friends at Marriage Equality USA,
which does fantastic work on the same-sex marriage issue, and they now have a
Wedding Announcement form on their website.
They're asking couples for contact and background information, along with
responses to a few questions about why marriage matters, wedding plans, and if
they'd be willing to share their stories with the media. They thought they could
use this collection of couples stories throughout the year to illustrate that
marriage matters to same-sex couples across California and around the nation.
I do know a lot of couples who are coming to California to get married, but
many of them are older and still in the closet. It isn't their fault. It's the
fault of people like the seven pathetic protesters with anti-gay banners at the
Gay Pride Parade last Sunday, Focus on the Family and Prop 22 people who have
put a constitutional amendment on the California ballot in November that would
stop same-sex marriage. I know that if the hell they describe exists, they are
going to burn in it.
The suicide rate of gay youth is still three times higher than that of
straight youth. Our communities alcoholism and drug addiction rates are among
the highest of any group. You can't grow up being called faggot and dyke and
sissy and freak and being rejected by your family and being condemned by society
and being told you are sick by science and sinful by religion and still be
healthy. Pride is about self-esteem, and self-esteem comes from honesty.
But many people won't be coaxed out of the closet, no matter how safe it is
now. The cruelty inflicted on the older generation, the slurs, the violence, the
killings, are unforgivable. And this is still happening. Closets are vertical
coffins, and the tragic prejudice inflicted on our community stops here, and
right now, in California.
The spectacular ruling by the California Supreme Court has found that
lesbians and gay people are a minority group that is now legally entitled to all
of the rights and benefits afforded non-gay people. We must be treated equally.
If we can't get married in California, then heterosexuals should not be able to
get married in California. That is what treated equally means. The California
Supreme Court realized this was not about our lifestyles but about our lives.
We have won. No more, never again. In California, David has finally slain
Goliath. Is that Jewish enough for you?
Robin Tyler is one of the original plaintiffs in the California
Supreme Court lawsuit Tyler v. County of Los Angeles. Tyler has been an activist
for same-sex marriage and lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered rights for
four decades. This fall, she will film her one-woman comedy show, Always A
Bridesmaid, Never A Groom. She will marry her partner of 15 years, Diane Olson,
next week in front of the Beverly Hills Courhtouse. You are all invited. But
don't expect cake for everyone. She can be reached at
robintyler@robintyler.com.
Posted June 10, 2008 | 07:46 PM (EST)