Some Purim Fun!

Purim is a time for fun. It is also a time to take a break from our serious work and laugh at ourselves. In fact, the Purim Spiel, a lighthearted reenactment of the events of the Book of Esther, has become a favorite form of fun during this holiday. Our friend and colleague Julie Wiener from the (New York) Jewish Week wrote the following as a Purim spoof. We offer it here only in fun and in the spirit of the festival of Purim.

In “A Tale of Two Jewelries,” a new report for Michael Stonehard’s Jewish Laugh Network, gemographer Steven M. Coin argues that intermarried Jews and their children adorn themselves with a dramatically different caliber of bracelets, necklaces and earrings than those who marry within the faith. “Intermarriage is the single greatest threat to jewel-ish continuity today,” he writes. In a press conference on 47th Street, Steve Bling of the American Jewelry Committee praised the report and called for Jewish parents to teach their children the value of fraternizing exclusively with authentic Goldmans and Silversteins. “In the absence of gold conversion, non-Jewish spouses are much more likely to buy and wear mass-produced costume trinkets,” noted Brand-name Professor Silvery Barack Fishman, citing research by Dr. Pearl Necklace. “We’re seeing a marked decline in Jewish engagement rings.”

“It’s crystal clear. This is the price of assimilation. We must not break the gold chain of our rich heritage,” agreed Jack Worthmore, provost of the Jewish Gemological Seminary.

However, the findings were hotly contested by proponents of outfitting to the intermarried. Lead Case, director of said he has been appraised of a growing number of Priceless Gentiles who support the jewelry education of their children, study the Hebrew Bauble and Gem-ara and who are active members of their ring-agogues.

Karat Olitzky of the Jewel-ish Outfitting Institute noted that stigmatizing nontraditional accessories is ineffective and alienating. He instead suggested meeting people “where they shop” and exposing them to the wealth of jewel-ish couture.

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