As someone who not only works with intermarried, but is also immersed in the Brooklyn Jewish community, I was extremely moved by the recent open letter to Hebrew Union College from Rabbi Ellen Lippmann of Kolot Chayeinu of Brooklyn, NY. Published in the Jewish Daily Forward, Rabbi Lippmann urges the seminary, of which she counts herself an alumna, to reconsider their policy of prohibiting admission to rabbinical school candidates in interfaith relationships. Lippmann has been in an interfaith, same-sex relationship for nearly thirty years, during which time she and her partner have raised a daughter in a Jewish home. While Lippmann’s partner feels that conversion is not the right choice for her, she still embraces Jewish traditions, including Shabbat and the counting of the Omer (ritual countdown of the days from Passover to Shavuot).

“We are like the thousands of Jews across America who commit to strongly Jewish lives with their non-Jewish spouses. Interfaith families tell me that having a rabbi who mirrors their relationships makes an enormous difference to being able to commit to Jewish life.”

As inspiring as it was to read such an eloquent and heartfelt expression of inclusion as a core Jewish value, I was extremely disheartened upon scrolling to the bottom of the page, where Rabbi Lippmann’s words were met with a litany of hateful responses. Most of the comments decry intermarriage as sacrilegious, and some even go so far as to denounce the Reform movement altogether as “not Jewish anyway.” What really got to me, though, was seeing the golden calf and even Hitler invoked with careless ignorance. All I kept thinking was, “this is not Jewish.”

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An interesting story in The Jewish Chronicle caught my eye recently. In it, writer Sarah Angrist argues that, when looking at the current state of the North American Jewish community, “bemoaning the decline in synagogue membership, high rates of intermarriage, and our aging population” misses the point. She thinks that Judaism in America is (and has been) extremely successful because Jewish culture is flourishing. She finds that:

Encouraging signs in North America are evident in the proliferation of university Jewish studies programs, the widespread appeal of klezmer music, camps for children and adults, innovative art forms and exhibits, Jewish music performances, film festivals, and the success of the Yiddish Book Center in preserving materials.

I think Angrist is making an important point. While for many, being Jewish and connecting to Judaism takes a primarily religious form, this is not the case for others, and probably not for most North American Jews. On the other hand, Jewish cultural experiences and expressions such as the ones mentioned above are often more accessible to those for whom religion has lost its relevance.

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I just returned from Costa Rica, an exciting country, known especially for its monkeys. Of course, it is also known for its coffee, pineapple, beaches, rain forests, and zip line adventure parks, among other things. Perhaps it is my sensitivity to the notion of “welcoming,” but no one mentioned that particular aspect of the country and its inhabitants before we prepared for our trip. Yet the “ministry of welcoming” as it is sometimes called in other contexts was apparent everywhere we went. Perhaps it is because a country of 4.5 million citizens understands that it is dependent on a tourist trade that welcomes 6 million people each year.

So I thought to myself, why doesn’t the organized American Jewish community of 2 million understand its dependency (perhaps its future) on the 4 million American Jews (and the many more people who are not Jewish but who live in Jewish households) who are not part of the organized Jewish community? Perhaps if we could extend the Costa Rican culture of welcoming into the culture of the American Jewish community, we might extend our “tourist trade,” as well. The difference, however, is that we must not just welcome people to visit, but to stay.

The largest challenge I face as a Jew dating someone of another religious background is navigating the relationship between my girlfriend and my family. Having her meet my parents and gain their approval seems like the main obstacle; however, it is only the first step in a long process. As an immigrant who was raised in an area with a large Russian-Jewish presence, when I refer to my family, I’m not just talking about my mom and dad. What I’m really talking about is the large community of people around me, which includes aunts; uncles; cousins; distant relatives which I call my aunts, uncles, and cousins; close friends of the family; their distant relatives, in-laws, and their distant relatives; and so on. If you have a big “family,” this can sometimes include up to a third of your local Russian-Jewish community.

Having gained the approval of my parents some time ago, my girlfriend, Camilla, was now ready to meet other members of my “family.” This can be rather intimidating under any circumstance, but coming into a community that can be very closed off to outsiders can make the task even more difficult. Not only would she have to impress them as a person, she would have to overcome possible prejudices, not being a Russian or a Jew.

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I’ve recently returned from a long-awaited vacation in Israel, where I had the pleasure of celebrating the Passover seder (ritual meal) at an Upper Galilee kibbutz (communal settlement) with my immediate family and… five hundred other kibbutz members, affiliates, and invitees. The cafeteria-style dining hall was filled with long tables arranged around a central stage on which local talent sang, recited, and performed segments of the Hagaddah (the text traditionally read on Passover, retelling the story of the Israelites’ exodus from Egypt). The kibbutz first graders sang the Four Questions with the entire crowd responding with the refrain. Four child-and-parent pairs, dressed in appropriate costumes, acted out the story of the Four Children.

Aside from the size of the event, a sharp-eyed North American Jewish observer would have noticed some other differences between this celebration and a traditional seder. For one, there was virtually no mention of God. The kibbutz hagaddah - now close to a century in existence - removes God from the text and enhances it with content thought to be more relevant to life in Israel, such as songs about spring, renewal, and rebirth. Other sections considered problematic (such as the plea to “pour Your wrath on the nations who do not know You”) were replaced with statements about hope for peace. All during the week of Passover, the communal dining hall serves matzah AND bread. This bread is bought and frozen before the holiday (buying bread during Passover in Israel is possible, but entails driving the extra mile or two to the nearest Arab village. Freezing is easier). I grew up celebrating Passover in this way, so I greatly enjoyed the opportunity to come back to it, even more so now that I could share it with my young son.

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My husband and I were in Paris recently to celebrate our 20th anniversary. As we walked around the city, we noticed how welcoming the churches were, especially in comparison to the locked doors at the synagogues. Rabbi Kerry Olitzky, JOI’s Executive Director, explained to me that, unlike a church, the synagogue was not meant to be the center of religious life – that the home (for rituals) and the beit midrash (for study) held that place. So when Big Tent Judaism/Jewish Outreach Institute Board Member, Rachel Cohen Gerrol, posted this article on Facebook, I thought – well, when the synagogue doors are open, we should be as welcoming as possible.

The article brings to light, once again, that we need a different model for engagement in the Jewish community. Affiliation, the tried and tired membership model, is not appealing. And it’s not just the millenials who don’t find it appealing – it isn’t appealing to young families who can’t afford dues and day care or day school fees, or to baby boomers who, after their children are Bar/Bat Mitzvah’d are not interesting in paying what amounts to a facilities fee for a building they don’t need to feel Jewish or practice their Judaism.

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While my native tongue is English, I actually grew up in the Jewish language of obligation. Whenever I confronted a Jewish institution, organization, or fund-raising campaign, I was told of my obligations as a Jew. As a child, I was given a list of 613 of them—rather overwhelming to be sure. The only benefit I was taught about being Jewish, however, was that I was part of a chosen people. My Christian friends were taught by their ministers and priests, “if you give me your life, I will give you eternal life.” I always thought that was a pretty good deal and I wondered what my childhood rabbi was offering in its place beyond being part of the chosen people.

There are those who believe that the Jewish language of obligation is counter-cultural. They argue that Judaism becomes the antidote to the narcissistic Facebook culture in which my world is insinuated into the lives of everyone else (through the newsfeed, for example). Further, those who advocate a language of obligation contend that obligations provide their own benefit, following the adage, “the more you give, the more you receive.”

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On my recent travels to Jewish communities to talk about bringing Big Tent Judaism initiatives to bear, I was struck, yet again, by how open and engaging people think their institutions are. In reality, they are inadvertently putting up barriers to participation.

Synagogues that don’t actively welcome those on the periphery – Jews by Choice, intermarried Jews, LGBTIQ Jews, Jews of Color, etc. – will continue to find it hard to attract new members. And I don’t mean just members from the traditionally marginalized communities listed above. Why would I, a straight-married-to-another-Jew-family-oriented-person, want to join a synagogue where my best friend and his partner don’t feel welcome? It isn’t about being tolerant. It is about creating policies out of a need, and more importantly a desire, to be engaging, inclusive, and welcoming.

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I have written before about my struggles with characterizing my Jewish practice. Having done extensive research on the “millennial” generation of which I am a part, I have come to understand the nuances of living in a world in which options and choice are valued above all else, and how my religious practice plays into this, or plays against it.

For this reason, I was taken by a recent article in Tablet magazine, in which self-proclaimed “Jewish atheist” Jonathan Zimmerman chronicles his experience attending a Humanistic synagogue. Humanistic Judaism identifies with the history and traditions of Jewish culture independent of a higher power. That is, the focus is on “[celebrating] the centrality of human reason and responsibility from a uniquely Jewish perspective.” This would objectively seem like a perfect fit for Zimmerman, and yet, for him, the experience was totally uncomfortable, even laughable…not in and of itself, but when compared to formative prayer experiences from his Conservative Jewish upbringing.

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Yes!

Ok, now that I’ve answered that question, let me elaborate: every disabled child whose family wishes them to have a Jewish education should be able to receive one in some capacity.

A recent article in The Forward examined the offerings (and limitations) of Jewish day schools in serving children with disabilities. These disabilities range from mild learning disabilities such as dyslexia, to severe autism and into more physical disabilities such as cerebral palsy. What obligation are Jewish day schools, which are in essence private schools, under to accommodate these children? And with a system that is already struggling financially, can they afford it?

In my opinion, they have to find a way.

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Here at Big Tent Judaism/Jewish Outreach Institute (JOI), we have been talking about the application of learnings from the hospitality industry for many years. My colleague Ron Wolfson, of Synagogue 3000 and American Jewish University, has been offering similar advice, some of which he learned from Disney University, who are masters at hospitality. As someone who is a “road warrior” for the Jewish community—that means I travel a lot for my work at JOI—I have the occasion to stay at many hotels. Some hotels practice “aggressive hospitality,” not a term that I coined, which charges each staff member with the responsibility to make sure that guests are accommodated. No staff member walks by without saying “hello,” or asking if the guest’s stay could be made more comfortable, or if there was anything that the staff member could do for the guest.

At JOI we have chosen to call this “proactive hospitality,” frankly, a term that doesn’t say it all but approximates what we are trying to teach—the responsibility of being hospitable, which has its roots in the foundation of Jewish values and thus is indeed a Jewish values construct. One colleague, Rabbi Baruch HaLevi calls this idea “radical hospitality,” perhaps an extension of the late Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel’s notion of “radical amazement” when one encounters the holy and sacred, and then applied to the everyday. I like this idea a lot.

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Every so often, the subject of my denomination comes up in conversation. That is to say, I am asked if I am Reform, Conservative, Reconstructionist, Orthodox, etc. I spent most of my life being so sure of the answer, but recently I find that the question just makes me uncomfortable.

I grew up in the Conservative movement, went to a Solomon Schechter Jewish Day School, lived in a kosher home– the whole shebang. But did I pray three times a day? No. Did I work on Shabbat? Once I turned 16, you could find me scanning groceries at the local Publix on most Saturdays. Do I eat cheeseburgers? Yes, but never in my parents’ house. All this is to say that I adapted my Conservative upbringing to accommodate a more modern lifestyle, which is essentially a Reform Jewish perspective. Yet, attending a Reform service has always felt uncomfortable to me. Why? Because it’s just not what I do. While many of my values align with the Reform movement, the religious setting feels unnatural to me because the melodies are different, there is more English, and there are often instruments. What appeals to me about Judaism in general IS the tradition, the memories I attach to it, and the sense of efficacy I feel when I am engaged in it. I prefer a Conservative service because I like that I know what to expect; it reminds me of my upbringing and makes me feel closer to my Jewish self. But I by no means adhere to Jewish law in the way that the Conservative movement propounds. I’m not prepared to give up my cheeseburgers.

I wrestle with my own hypocrisy a lot on this one. My views tend toward Reform, but my synagogue practices lean toward Conservative. It is largely because of this that, a recent Op-Ed from The Times of Israel really spoke to me.

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The Landings is a planned community set up on Skidaway Island, one of Savannah, Georgia’s barrier islands. Formerly a logging camp, it is now home to 8,500 residents with almost 4,000 houses. This gated community of 4,500 acres (including 90 acres of forested area) includes four athletic fields, 151 lagoons, 34 tennis courts, six golf courses, 91 miles of road, and 30 miles of trails. They also have an organization called Jewish Women of the Landings (JWOL), which, I was told on a recent visit, isn’t just for Jewish women – anyone can participate as long as they live in The Landings.

JWOL has a lot of activities; some are social, some are civic-minded, some are educational. For their February educational evening, over 30 men and women gathered at the home of Dr. Norton and Linda Rosensweig (Nort is on JOI’s board of directors) to hear Rabbi Kerry Olitzky speak about engagement, intermarriage, grandparenting, and the future of the Jewish community.

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The following is a guest blog from JeriAnn Geller. Ms. Geller is a writer, editor, teacher, artist, and occasional wrangler of adolescents. Judaically conservative, politically progressive, romantically infinitive.

Question: Which Jewish group has the most African genes?

A. Ashkenazi
B. Sephardi
C. Mizrahi

The answer, actually, is “all of the above.” According to researchers at the New York University School of Medicine, sub-Saharan African genes are consistently found in all Jewish groups at the rate of 3-5 percent. In fact, it is the strongest clue to date that there is a common biological ancestry among modern Jews. If you couple this with the finding that 20 percent of the current world Jewish population is non-white, you might begin to wonder—where did we get the idea that a Jewish person looks only one particular way?

Could it be a problem of perception? When many of us were growing up, images of Jews of Color in the media were usually limited to entertainers who had converted—Sammy Davis Jr. and Nell Carter. Few people knew that versatile character actor Yaphet Kotto came from a long line of African Jews—or that he was Jewish at all. In fact, many of us grew up with the misperception that there were only two ways a person could be black and Jewish: conversion or having Ethiopian ancestors.

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I’ve written before about Jewish celebrities, and how they inherently invoke a sense of pride simply through association. Adam Sandler touched upon that pride in a big way through his Hanukkah songs, in which he goes through long lists of celebrities who are in any way Jewish. As he sings, “Harrison Ford’s a quarter Jewish: not too shabby!” (Note: as it turns out, Ford’s mother is Jewish on both sides; Sandler should probably fix his math on that one!)

But there’s a new category of celebrity Jewish pride that Sandler has yet to address, and that category includes stars like Drew Barrymore. Drew recently spoke to the ladies of The View about her decision to raise her new baby girl, Olive, as “traditionally Jewish.” Barrymore married her husband, art dealer Will Koppelman, about seven months ago in a Jewish ceremony performed by a rabbi, complete with a ketubah (Jewish marital contract), yarmulkes (Jewish head coverings, also called kippahs), and a chuppah (canopy under which a Jewish couple stands during the ceremony).

While Barrymore has not converted and has not intimated that she will choose to, she has embraced Judaism into her life, calling it “a beautiful faith” that she is “so honored” to be around.

“It’s so family-oriented,” she said. “The stories are so beautiful and it’s incredibly enlightening. I’m really happy.”

I would have been excited by Drew’s Jewish connection regardless. But now that I am working with moms just like Drew, who are raising Jewish children without being brought up Jewish themselves, I connected to her words on a new level. I am constantly inspired by the commitment of our Mothers Circle moms to take on such a huge and potentially daunting task, and am so privileged to be part of a team that supports them in their journeys. I hope that Drew’s story gives our moms the same pride and connection I feel when I hear about a Jewish celebrity. Beyond that, I hope it gives Jews everywhere a sense of pride that there are so many who wish to cast their lot with the Jewish people.

Perhaps it’s time for Adam Sandler to start writing The Hanukkah Song Part 4: The Celebrity Mothers Circle!

One of the overarching messages we value here at Big Tent Judaism/Jewish Outreach Institute is getting Jewish organizations to move beyond “business as usual” in order to secure a future for the Jewish community. This includes lowering barriers such as cost and language, but also thinking creatively about programs, who they serve, and what those people’s needs are. By simply stepping back and viewing the situation from the point of view of those being served, an institution can become much more attractive (and much more of an asset) to the community.

Rabbi Michael Friedland at Sinai Synagogue in South Bend, Indiana knows this from personal experience. As described in an article published by JTA, Friedland nearly doubled participation in the synagogue’s Hebrew Sunday school, by moving it to Saturday mornings and adding a brunch. A small change, but one that served the needs of his community, as well as intrigued them. Yisrael Shapiro, the article’s author, writes “congregants with and without children saw something interesting happening, and participation soared from about 50 members on a typical Shabbat morning to 90.”

Smaller congregations around the country are attempting to follow suit. What does this say about the state of the Jewish community today? In order to stay relevant, institutions must stay fresh and in tune with those they wish to serve, and perhaps most importantly, be willing to take risks. Here at Big Tent Judaism/Jewish Outreach Institute, this is exactly the kind of attitude we encourage, and look forward to hearing about more congregations like Sinai Synagogue, and more forward thinkers like Rabbi Friedland.

The following essay, “Loving the Stranger: Intimacy between Jews and Non-Jews,” offers both a moving personal testimonial and a profound new understanding of Jewish intermarriage. Dr. Rachel Baum, Adjunct Assistant Professor of Jewish Studies & Hebrew Studies at the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee, writes, “Is it possible that marrying a non-Jew might help us understand Judaism better. See something against a new background, which we couldn’t see in the sea of sameness? Is it possible that we, above others, embody most profoundly Judaism’s injunction to love the stranger?” The essay is collected in a new book, “Encountering the Stranger: A Jewish-Christian-Muslim Trialogue,” and is an important addition to the intermarriage conversation. We’re honored to excerpt it here for the first time anywhere:

I am a Jew. There is no branch of Judaism that would deny this, despite my maternal grandmother’s marriage to a non-Jew, despite my having celebrated Christmas throughout my childhood, despite my occasional affection for bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches. I am a Jew, because my mother is a Jew, and her mother before her, and her mother before that.¹

Am I a good Jew? I admit that I bristle at the question. Yet the question, “Is person X a good Jew, Christian, Muslim, etc.?” lies at the heart of much conversation within and among religious communities. Many debates within religious communities can be understood as disagreements over what it means to be a good member of the community. What is essential to the community, what must one have or be in order to identify with that community?

The branches of Judaism define its essence differently. Halacha (the body of Jewish religious jurisprudence) is central to Orthodoxy; Jewish ethics is of fundamental importance to Reform Judaism. Yet the determination of what makes a “good Jew” is not limited to religious Judaism, but extends to secular Jewish culture as well. And here, despite the differences between the religious and the secular, there is a surprising amount of agreement on the challenges facing the Jewish community.

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Earlier this month, The Forward featured a piece on the way the Jewish community looks today. The article highlights an ethnically diverse set of photos, all of Jewish children who, just a decade or so ago, would never have been assumed Jewish, and discusses The Forward’s 2013 project documenting the “changing Jewish landscape.”

The point, of course, is that there is no such thing as “looking Jewish,” nor is there one way to “be Jewish”—not here in America, and not in any of the over 50 countries where Jews live. Here at Big Tent Judaism/Jewish Outreach Institute, we are constantly talking about the changing face of the Jewish community and how to better serve those who feel marginalized. Once largely (but never entirely) white and Eastern European, the American Jewish community is evolving. With interfaith families, adoptions, and conversions, we have to cast aside our mental picture of who is Jewish, and instead focus on helping those on the periphery of Jewish life feel welcome, regardless of their background.

Before looking at this small collection of photos, picture in your head what you think “Jewish” looks like, then click through and prepare to throw your preconceived notions aside. We look forward to seeing the results of The Forward’s project, and to continuing to guide and contribute to the conversation.

Years ago, the television world seemed to be mostly Christian families with the occasional Jewish family, often “the kid next door” or a family that popped up during the winter holiday season. Nowadays, not only is it more common to see Jewish families at the center of a TV show, but we are also seeing more interfaith couples.

It used to be the case that this only came up on the yearly holiday episodes, but ABC drama Private Practice has highlighted the interfaith marriage of Charlotte and Cooper several times over the last year or so, such as when the couple got hitched, and most significantly in this week’s episode, Life Support.

I freely admit that I’m a big fan of Private Practice, having started watching the show in the beginning when Dr. Addison Montgomery left Seattle Grace Hospital for greener (and warmer) pastures (the character left Grey’s Anatomy, prompting Private Practice, which is essentially a spin-off). The show has featured interracial couples, lesbian and gay couples, single parent families, and plenty of other family and couple “structures,” if you will. In this weeks’ episode, Charlotte is about to give birth, and the couple’s son, Mason (who has his own complicated interfaith family storyline), asks Cooper, his father, if he can have a Bar Mitzvah. This prompts the couple to briefly discuss if the soon-to-be-born triplets will be having Bat Mitzvahs, or if they will be baptized.

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As more and more states legalize gay marriage, and LGBTQ equality becomes a larger and more persistent topic on the news and internet, it becomes harder and harder to ignore the fact that we are in the midst of a modern-day civil rights movement of sorts. Taking into account the repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” in 2010, discussion of LGBTQ rights to adopt, anti-bullying efforts, and all the other debates centered around the LGBTQ community, it is evident that the issue of marriage equality is simply the first battleground in a larger movement that hopes to achieve complete and total equality and inclusion in all aspects of life, including the military, work place, and public schools.

The Jewish community has often taken a stance on issues of equality, from the Civil Rights Movement in the middle of the last century, to the Freedom March for Soviet Jewry in 1987; and it is now taking a stance on this issue as well. According to an article posted on eJewishPhilanthropy, Jewish organizations lead the way in the inclusion of the LGBTQ community and the rejection of discrimination of any kind. Jewish organizations have shown this through the banning of discriminatory hiring practices in large organizations (which is unbelievably not yet federal law), as well as LGBTQ inclusion in faith-based communities through special programming and statements of inclusion in mission statements.

As the world changes and evolves so must the Jewish community, and the Jewish community’s track record of aligning itself with equal rights movements shows its willingness and ability to do so. Although the LGBTQ equality movement has a long way to go (41 more states to go for marriage equality), its leaders and supporters can rest assured that a large part of the Jewish community will not hinder its progress, and will instead offer a helping hand. At JOI, we consider this a way of opening the tent, and are happy to see so much of the community opening their tents as well.