Big Tent Judaism

Intermarriage Bullying

Growing up Jewish with mostly non-Jewish friends, I often found myself answering questions like “what’s the big deal?” The question usually referred to intermarriage, marrying someone of another religion, or even to not having school off on the second day of Rosh Hashanah. It can be hard to articulate why being Jewish is important to me, and even harder to explain why it’s important for my children to be Jewish without sounding like my grandmother (who for years laid the guilt on thick about the fate of the Jewish people being in my hands; she has since eased up).

Thankfully, my friends and I were not surrounded by religious or cultural intolerance growing up. Plenty of kids were from interfaith families, and to this day I almost never hear about family feuds regarding religion. So when I read Rachel Figueroa-Levin’s blog on Kveller.com, I was taken aback, and quickly reminded that not all families and communities are as accepting and as easy-going as mine. Rachel’s situation is also unique in that, when I have heard of family squabbles over religion (including in my own family) the bitterness tended to come from the Jewish side of the family. But in her case, several of her non-Jewish in-laws, as she says, border on anti-Semitic.

Rachel tells of several family occasions over the years, and the building tension between her Jewish mother and non-Jewish relatives, to the point where she simply couldn’t take it anymore. However, when her daughter was born, her perspective changed somewhat. Realizing that family is what’s most important, Rachel has made an effort for her daughter to see her family (even if Rachel isn’t present, to avoid tension), and I respect her for that. She says “despite everything, I’m making sure that my daughter has family, and not just relatives.” She has been able to at least somewhat accept the views of her other family members, and is attempting to find a way to keep the family together, even if they’re never actually all in the same room.

Here at JOI, the focus is often on how the Jewish family members deal with intermarriage, such as The Grandparents Circle, for people whose adult children have intermarried. But non-Jewish families are often grappling with the same questions: How do I incorporate my beliefs when my children/grandchildren are being raised in another religion? How do I share my family traditions without overstepping my bounds?

If an interfaith family is going to work, then the concerns of both sides need to be addressed, and both sides need to show respect for the other’s beliefs and practices. While family are certainly involved in the choices of an interfaith couple, the final decisions is for the couple to make themselves.

Rachel gets pretty heated in this blog entry, and while I may prefer to edit my expressions a bit more than she does, I understand her frustration and anger at the situation. I hope that at some point she will be able to have an open conversation with her family, instead of sending her daughter to grandma’s alone.

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