Big Tent Judaism

Jewish Mosaic research demonstrates an all-too-frequent disconnect between the self-perception of Jewish communal leaders about their success in fostering inclusive climates, and the experiences of LGBT Jews in search of welcoming communities. LGBT Jews often look at such statements as "we welcome everyone" and see an invisible asterisk, with the hidden message that "we welcome everyone, except you." LGBT Jews and their families have specific needs that sometimes differ from heterosexual Jews in terms of lifecycle ceremonies, social services, family formation, aging, and legal rights. A successful welcome explicitly affirms those differences, rather than flattening them through a one-size-fits-all approach to outreach and programming.
 
LGBT Jews need to be explicitly identified and affirmed as an integral part of the fabric of a diverse community. Don't expect many LGBT Jews to take a gamble on that vague promise of a welcome for "everyone." A sincere welcome must be demonstrated through visible action. It is the task of Jewish communal leaders to promote structural change by pro-actively and repeatedly inviting LGBT Jews to participate as full and welcomed members of the community and to visibly demonstrate that by using inclusive member forms, referencing LGBT Jews in printed materials and on Web sites, ensuring that member categories honor diverse families, encouraging LGBT individuals to take on positions of leadership, responding to the lifecycle and social service needs of LGBT Jews, and by taking up the cause of civil rights and equality for LGBT people as part of an organization's social justice agenda.
 
What if you live in a community with few visible LGBT people?
Embracing LGBT equality is crucial to creating a genuine welcome for LGBT Jews, but a commitment to diversity and inclusion impacts everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. Everyone in the Jewish community has LGBT family members, friends, co-workers, or neighbors. You might be surprised by the depth of the connections with LGBT issues among your organization's members. Perhaps your JCC has closeted volunteers, or proud parents of adult LGBT kids. I know of heterosexual donors who stopped supporting Jewish institutions that they felt were insufficiently pro-active in embracing diversity. I've met straight congregational presidents afraid to tell their rabbis about their transgender siblings, and members of synagogue sisterhoods who've never "come out" to their "sisters" about their gay sons or daughters.
 
With so many competing communal priorities, particularly during the current financial crisis, why should Jewish organizations spend precious resources on comprehensive LGBT inclusion projects? Our research has shown that institutions pro-actively embracing inclusion frequently become healthier and more vibrant in the process. Still, we understand that systemic change can feel daunting. My advice is that even if you can't take on a substantive inclusion campaign right now, don't ignore the small stuff. That's the lesson the Sages conveyed in Pirke Avot (Ethics of our Fathers) when they taught us that "It is not our responsibility to finish the task [of repairing the world], but neither are we free to leave the status quo alone."
 
Has your organization done a "form" audit?
Pull recent copies of all membership forms, school enrollment forms, and program sign-up sheets, checking to see if the forms are appropriate for diverse families. For example, do your school's forms have one space each for "mother" and "father" or multiple spaces for "parents/guardians"? The latter is a more open and welcoming way of recognizing family diversity. LGBT Jews are unlikely to feel truly welcome in an organization whose forms and policies don't even recognize their existence, and by honoring diverse families you'll also please many of the divorced and blended families in your community.

• Offer a "couples" membership category. Although many more LGBT folks have kids than most people realize, on average, LGBT people are less likely to have kids than their straight counterparts and therefore the "family" membership category can sometimes feel off-putting, even if it's intended to also cover "families" without kids. In an organization that has not yet visibly taken on the cause of LGBT equality, the very phrase "family" might convey exclusionary assumptions to potential LGBT members (remember the hidden asterisk?). Of course, a "couples" category might also be a useful marketing tool for straight couples without kids.

 

• Be more flexible on how you define the categories you have. For example, with a "family" membership category, have you set clear guidelines that reflect the types of family diversity you'd like your institution to be open to? I'm a gay man married to another man. We're co-parenting our 3-year-old daughter with her mom. Three adults, two households (a block apart), one child. We are a Jewish "family" and hold family memberships in several Jewish organizations. Could we join your shul? Your JCC?

 

• Make sure that membership incentives and programs are inclusive of LGBT individuals. I've heard of congregations offering a free year of membership to newly married couples and families celebrating the birth of a child. Extend such offers to two men celebrating an adoption, or to lesbian couples who have newly registered a civil union or domestic partnership. When a lesbian's partner gives birth to a child, which parenting group should she join - the new mom's circle, or the "boot camp for new dads"? How comfortable would a gay or bisexual man feel in your men's club? Could a transgender woman join the shul's sisterhood affiliate?

 

• Find the right balance. Encourage your community to become more inclusive while remaining true to itself, taking your organization down a rich path of discussion and learning, debate and compromise. Through this process we are all enriched.

Next Steps
We can all take some of the simple steps outlined above. But for those communities eager to jump in and embrace diversity and inclusiveness as a core principle, JOI can put you in touch with Jewish Mosaic staff or my colleagues at other Jewish LGBT organizations to help you begin the process. In partnership with the Institute for Judaism and Sexual Orientation at Hebrew Union College, Jewish Mosaic has recently started a new Welcoming Synagogues campaign and will be releasing data from a nationwide study on congregational diversity in late February. Stay tuned for details.